LIFE LESSON: It's ok to be SELFISH.

Although my family history is a grace to grass one, my parents sheltered us regardless. We grew up in Ho and if you know Ho, you know nothing ever happens there. It's a small town, no one is competing with anyone and everyone knows ya business.



Frankly writing, I don't think I actually grew up until sometime last year. I still lived in a bubble. We were never encouraged to have friends. My mother would beat us blue black at the mere mention of "my friend". Her reasoning bordered on protection. No friend, no drama. And her fav song back then was:

I dare not choose my lot.
I dare not if I might
Choose thou my friends for me
My poverty, my all.

 I know, she changed the words. That's not all. her fav saying

 "When you see a person drowning, leave him to drown, when you try to rescue him and yet he drowns, you'll be accused of killing him. And, if he lives, he'll not remember you did anything for him."

Quite drastic huh?

I used to think so.
Plenty a time, I hear "you Leila, you have problems with everybody" That phrase annoys me but it's not entirely untrue. I get very irritated with human beings. VERY. I seem to butt heads with people a lot. I always get disappointed by many of the people I work with. ALWAYS. I never really knew why and then sometime last year, my friend Ebbe Bassey to whom I was whining said,

  "Leila, you always give people 110% and you expect the same back, but that is not how it works. If you are too nice, people will use you. You need to protect yourself"

Could it be really that simple? I didn't totally grasp the meaning of what she said until on set of "And then there was You". With my friends Rebecca and Traci, we spent time discussing life, being the only black crew on set, we bonded, shared stories. I began to look at people with a less censorious eye. There is dawned on me that;

EVERYONE IS SEEKING THEIR OWN SELF INTEREST.

Whiles you are fretting over whether your crew have eaten, how the picture is looking, whether the budget is working, your other side of town is looking at what color car to pull up in to the premiere, the awards, the acclaim. Can two walk together except they what? Agree. You can't have associations with people you have nothing in common with! She wants to go left, you want to go right. That's drama. Monkeys move by sizes.

It's a time of self preservation. It's not new. it's always been there. But Miss Leila was just learning about it. lol. It just never resonated with me. I wasn't raised like that. When rain clouds gather, and we have clothes on the line, we go out to remove them. When you return, my mother would ask "did you go round the neighbors who may not be home to see if they have clothes on the line?"  If you answer no, please, design your coffin.
I used to travel to Accra with my mum to get medicine for her Diabetes Clinic. 4am, we're up. Hunting and gathering palm oil, corn dough, cassava dough, yam, gari, load the car and head to Accra. These things were all gifts for the pharmacists who help her get what her patients need.They live in the city and foodstuffs are cheaper in the small towns. Plus my father had a farm the size of Ho.

My sister Gloria then lived in the USA, when she sends clothes or money, my parents share it among us, less privileged in the church, and the pastors. This is how I grew up. This is how I was raised. Looking out for other people. Sometimes, at the expense of self.

My friend Cynthia and I had a job interview after Secondary School. I wrote her application letter, created her resume. On the morning of the interview, as we got ready, she brought out a nice poly bag for us to put our application folders in. I was about to place mine when she said "wait, let me put mine first, if it fits, then you can put yours". That was my first lesson of life. But I was young. What she did, I found hurtful and strange, but I let it slide.
2014, Leila Djansi remix, what I'd have said, was really? then let me rip the letter I wrote for you. Go and write your own and put it in your little damn rubber bag!

It didn't end there, in the interview, I spoke for us both, but because the man called her "fine girl" she got the job, I didn't. Flat chest against light skin and big boobs in the presence of a man, in Africa? ha. are you kidding? of course she got the job. Who wants a smart woman with a mind of her own when you have one who "needs you"?
I asked her later if she could find an opening for me, she just snubbed me. yep, she'd started sleeping with the boss. God is good though. I know I'm better off than she is where ever she is. wait, did I say that? (evil laugh).

Life lessons, my sweets. Life lessons. You cannot expect people to be like you. Everyone is seeking their own self interest. Please, open wide your eyes and do same. God said love they neighbor as thyself, not more than thyself. My policy these days, if anyone comes to me for help, I need to know what's in it for me too. My dears, it isn't that people don't want to help each other. Its that we get burned. scalded.

The bible says we should be cunning. That's not to say I want to be selfish. But the name of the game is self preservation. Minimize the betrayals. Don't think if you take that person from the gutter and polish him up he'll appreciate you. Take him out of the gutter alright, polish him, but feed him with a loooooooooooooooooooooooooooong spoon!
Remember, many are around you only because of what you have, what you can do for them. Don't be fooled by all that adulation. They'll chop your money and when you go broke, they will leave you. You are responsible for yourself by yourself. You are alone.

My friend and I went to a restaurant and she was ordering all these things. I pretended and said I left my purse at home. You know what she did? she changed her order and got a drink and some meager something. She thought I was paying, so she over-ordered. Till date I don't remember her paying for anything when we dine out.

Don't let people too close, don't share your secrets. Remember Samson and Delilah? You call the person friend, is she also calling you friend? or is she secretly doing things that will damage you? Self preservation. Let them call you arrogant, proud, selfish, mean, stingy...it's ok. Once you are preserved. The folks who sang hosannah hosannah also sang crucify him, crucify him.

Please, draw lines around yourself and keep people in their lanes. Be careful who you empower. If the person is your subordinate, be respectful, be nice, but he needs to know he is a subordinate. No matter how nice your boss is to you, that person is still your boss, stay in your lane.

Life would be so much easier of we all paid attention to the little things, no?