TO BE A WOMAN

It has been an intense 8 months. Working non-stop on the film #Likecottontwines. Its ran my emotions pretty raw.
Finally this week, I got to watch the full film. Well edited, temp music, temp sound, but the general direction was there. My editor Ting, said: "It feels like a documentary".
I agree.
Initially, I was tempted to be a little idealistic. Have the hero, the heroine... but I decided against that. I said I am going to tell it just as it is. Not the romanticized cinematic version, just as it is. The crap women go through. The things we endure so men can excel. Lord have mercy.



As usual, I have had my moments where I wished I had gone a little preachy but then I saw this photo and I got upset at the commentary.

Let me get this out of the way. Congratulations to this lady. I will not say her name because I am not trying to put her on the spot. Congrats on your achievement. You are who young girls should be following on instagram. Not the cellulite injected breasts and bust models that seem to have everyone, in Africa especially, fazed.

My problem with this photo is simple. The misconception in the message.

A man needs no ones permission to get a higher degree. But a woman who does needs permission and she also needs to "thank" her man husband, for allowing her to exercise her academic and HUMAN right.

A man with a doctorate is "normal". A woman with a doctorate is a relic. Yes, relic.

Now, the explanation for this lady kneeling before her husband to present her degree could be simple. I love you, thank you for taking over the house. The cooking, the cleaning, taking care of the children, for believing in me when no one else did etc. I am kneeling to thank you because I am overwhelmed by your sacrifice.
It really could be that simple, and I salute this man. I salute the couple. I want to hear comments of awww, how sweet. Not "look at this humble woman"  I am sorry. that singular word has set woman back. I am sorry.
Men are probably sending the photo to their wives like.

 "ehee, look at this beautiful woman. You are not even that beautiful, but she is beautiful and has a doctorate. But she still knelt down for her husband. But you, you won't even make tea for me." 

So now you have to apologize, or pacify a man for your intelligence? You have to tell him "my knowledge will not keep me from being humble to you?" is that it? I know that's it. Because when I was in college, I dated a guy who was so intimidated by me, he did everything possible to belittle me. I had to stop wearing make-up, I had to cut my hair, I could not dress nice. It had to be all about him. We went scouting for a location once and as the producer, I took the lead to do the talking. He was pissed! "I am the man, you should have allowed me do the talking, I was just standing there like I knew nothing". When I tried to explain, he twisted my arm behind me. I was lost. I was going crazy till my friend Nicole said, Leila, snap out of it! There I vowed to only marry a man many times my age, who had nothing to prove to this world. This guy I dated went on to become a wife beater. It is God, that saved me. Today I am director with films to my credit. The very thing he said I could not be; I am.

When has a man knelt to receive a child borne by a woman? A child that will bear his name and be called his, when the woman is the one who carried that pregnancy for 9 months and at each point, almost died? When?

I have read comments on the photo and each of them quotes the bible. "Wives, humble yourselves". Most of the people quoting this were drum-roll.......women! Well, the very second sentence also says, "Husbands love your wives like Christ loved the church". Do you know how Christ loved the church? HE FREAKING WENT TO THE CROSS FOR THE CHURCH. He was killed. The worst form of murder out there. That is how much he loves the church.  He served the church, he washed the feet of the church.

Every religion, Islam, African Traditional, Christianity, Buddhism; religions which were all founded by MEN,  have these rules that subjugate women. Rules that make women less, that make women beneath the man. Why would you want to make someone less? Because you are afraid of them. Thus, it is a weak man, who seeks to control his woman because really, he is afraid of her.
That's how come suddenly strong women were labelled witches and burnt at the stakes.

On this premise, you realize that, society has carved it into the brain of the woman she has to be a wife. If you are not married, it means there is something wrong with you. So a woman will take a beating, kneel down and endure anything to remain a wife. You raise a good girl so she can be good for a man. Not for herself, but for a man. "Be a good girl so you can find a good man to marry, the way you're behaving, no man will marry you". How many of us were told that growing up? No one is raising a man and saying be a good boy/man so a good woman will AGREE to marry you. We need to start saying that to our sons. If you have a son it is your duty as a mother, as a nurturer, to tell him to be a good man, so a good woman will agree to walk with him.

A friend once said to me his mother told him the house belongs to the man and he can kick her out any time.  I was numbed. How can a woman say that to her son? So, he can kick his wife out as and when he wishes and he will consider it right. Here is where I thank God for my parents. Cos when my parents fought, it was always my dad who left and always came back. Where was he going? lol.  80/20 rule y'all.


The bible says what? A man will leave his family and cleave to his wife. JESUS himself said that. Not Paul, not Peter, not Timothy. The man must HOLD his wife, cleave, to stick like glue to his wife. So who is supposed to do more work here? The man or the woman?  God himself also said, a man who finds a wife finds a good thing thing and, receives favor from God. Any woman who agrees to marry you is doing you a favor. That is why God says she is a good thing. Again I ask, who is to do more work in a marriage in order to receive favor from God?

That biblical scripture of a woman 'submitting" was written not by Jesus, but by Paul. Who also said, left to him alone, no one should marry. 1st Cor 7:1-7.  Paul wrote to the church of Ephesus. A particular group who needed a particular teaching. Paul is a human who will be judged alongside you and I on judgement day.  You cannot pick and choose the bible to suit your agenda.  Use it in its entirety.

Women, stop selling yourselves short. Please. The power is in your hands. You are the strong one. You are the reason HE is. I am not saying be the boss of your marriage. I am not saying disobey your husband. I am saying everything should be mutual. It's easy to love and serve a man who respects and loves you.  It is very easy to love and serve a woman who respects and loves you. It does not make a man weak to do dishes in the sink, or bath the kids, or cook for his wife and bring the food to her at the dining table. It is beautiful. Be there for each other. Serve each other. You are supposed to be helpers.

You this leila Djansi, you will never find a man. You will remain single. No problem. At least I am a secondary mother to two girls who will keep me company in my happiness. I do not want to lose myself so i can be called 'wife, humble". If I do not find a man who will rub my feet and make goat light soup for me after a long day, I will not marry.

Shonda Rhimes, thank you for Olivia Pope. 

If your wife must kneel to present her degree, so must you kneel to receive the child she produces for you.